Only Three Things

While I was in that nightmare month of getting diagnosed, I made an appointment to see a social worker at Northwestern.

It was becoming more apparent that I was seriously ill. It was also becoming clear that this would be a long road. My life was about to change dramatically, probably permanently in some ways. At any moment it was possible to be hospitalized indefinitely. Who is ready for that?! I was going to have to beat some significant odds to make it through this. It was disorienting.

I mainly just felt a little tired and had this big thing on my neck! But I was in no pain, and the reality of my situation was hard to grasp. I knew I had to get on it and get organized and simplify my life. I needed to shift my entire focus to prioritizing this fight. There was so much to do, and I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I started getting panic attacks and downward spiraling into despair. It was hard to get anything done. So I went to see a social worker. She gave me some great advice. Some of it I did not want to hear, but adapting the concepts has been life-changing.

We talked about mindfulness concepts and identifying and doing things which put me in balance, dealing with stress. She told me I needed to adjust my expectations to meet my capability. She looked me straight in the eye and said: “You can only do three things a day.” What the what???!!! Apparently, this woman did not understand my life or how driven I am. I was an extreme multi-tasker. I liked to joke I burned my candle on all three ends. I am a single mom of 16-year-old twin boys. They are amazing but still need a lot from me. I am a business owner. I am CEO of a pediatric therapy clinic that works with special needs children. I also started a non-profit to assist families in need of therapeutic services, I am an active, prolific, exhibiting artist. On top of all that I want time to hang out with my friends and to do exciting and fun things. So three things a day? No way. She looked at me and said, “that is all you will be able to do.”

I had a million post-its listing errands, tasks, reminders all over the place. She told me to put post its all over, but to instead make lists with reminders of how to calm down or suggestions of things that make me feel good. Pretty quickly I realized this was freaking me out. I could not imagine getting anything done, and my life prepared, but it was about control and identity. I did not want to stop trying to be superwoman to the world. Shit, this cancer stuff is getting deep!

 

 

put on music and dance music:

 

We talked about mindfulness, yoga, and meditation. These had become essential tools for me in the relatively recent past as I struggled through a rough 3-1/2 year divorce. In fact, discovering them was life changing. So I knew what I needed to do, I just needed to return to my practices.

Mindfulness, yoga, and meditation very specifically address dealing with anxiety and depression. They work on reducing rumination and worrying. As my instructors taught me, depression is when you look back and overthink the past. Anxiety is when you stress out and focus too much on the future. The solution is to bring yourself to the present. Mindfulness also teaches not to ignore problems. To examine them and do what you need to do in a semi-detached way, then put them away. You “practice” getting yourself into a calm state. Gradually it becomes easier. Gradually it becomes accessible when you are agitated. Its like conditioned learning.

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

More on mindfulness here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_stress_reduction

This is not just trendy, feel-good stuff. There is some significant scientific research to back it up. Having experienced the benefits, I was thrilled to see mainstream medicine starting to recognize the mind/body connection and how it relates to our health. These concepts are part of my treatment plan at Northwestern. All three practices place a big focus on breathing exercises which I have found to be extremely useful. I may not be able to make the yoga power moves I was previously starting to learn. But I could breathe.

More on the science of yoga breathing here: https://www.unm.edu/~lkravitz/Article%20folder/Breathing.html

So I started purging what I did not need from my life. I did this on all levels. No, I did not keep the boxes and boxes of files that resulted from a three-year divorce. No, my kids did not ever have to see every speech therapy note from many years of therapy. Yes, I needed to get rid of the rest of that toxic guy’s stuff. Choices became more natural to make. Less was in the grey zone. I asked for help – a new experience. I set up as much as I could to go on autopilot. I slowly pulled dreaded tasks, one by one from my back burner. I gave up control where I could trust. I did not focus on what I could not do; I made adaptations. I felt lighter. I could relax.

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

I remembered someone who trained me for my first managerial job in San Franciso. He demanded that I replace the word “problem” with “opportunity”.

Try that.

For real.

I remembered working in the kitchen for Chef Charlie Trotter. Inevitably something unexpected would happen which created panic. People would go to him freaking out because service was starting in an hour, and your special lavender from France was not delivered… He would calmly look at you and say “Make it happen.” Every time you sputtered a new concern, he would interrupt you and repeat the phrase “Make it happen.” In other words, stop crying over spilled milk, look at what you have and come up with a plan B. It may even be inspired and better. Some days require half the alphabet. Rapidly adjusting was a huge trait for me to foster. It is an excellent skill to have.

 

I thought about my favorite word. I was about to have it tattooed on me when I got sick. When I get better, I will. Equanimity. Equanimity is “is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.”

It is fascinating to me what a significant concept this is for many different belief systems. I have been working on developing equanimity in myself for the last few years.

More on equanimity here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equanimity

If you want to get into with me, you can dork out on the concept of “Ataraxia, the lucid state of robust equanimity characterized by freedom from distress and worry.” Ataraxia is not to be confused with indifference. Greek schools of thought that emphasized this are Pyrrhonism, Epicureanism, and Stoicism.

“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Then I  realized I felt incredibly happy. I felt purified, content, relaxed yet energized. I was loving life. I was happy even with my body riddled with rapidly progressing cancer. Well isn’t that surprising and interesting? It took this diagnosis to make the changes I needed in my life.

A few weeks ago I went through a pretty rough patch. It looked like my treatment was not working, and the cancer was enlarging everywhere. Sometimes a bump the size of an egg would pop up on my neck in a few days time. This shit is like a bad sci-fi movie. I still had options, but not many. It became a race. My airway was closing, and I may not be able to be tubbed. Time to bring my A game.

I started lining up my warrior bitch weapons. One weapon was staying focused and composed through the mindfulness stuff. But I wanted to engage this monster and defeat it. I pulled out another weapon. I would not let it see me flinch. I put on a jaunty hat. I bought a stone alligator and put in my living room. She is baring her teeth. I told my boys this is to remind us we are fierce.

 

Another powerful weapon has been a gift to me. It is love. I have received an incredible outpouring of love and support. It has come from people I have known since childhood as well as recent friends. It has come from complete strangers. Like the busboy at The Shake Shack. It was a hot day, and I had struggled to walk there with my boys. I was not doing very well that day, and I was sad they were getting on the train and would be gone for a few weeks. From clearing a nearby table. He noticed me as we were getting ready to leave. He asked me to hang on a second, and went and got me a big refill of my lemonade with lots of ice for my walk home. Then he held the door as we left and gave us an enormous smile and told us to have a blessed day. Even strangers sometimes recognize a warrior bitch in need of assistance. People are awesome. All this love coming at me has created a buffer, armor, which negativity has a hard time penetrating. It carries me along a couple of feet off the ground.

I get my blood drawn through a port in my chest a few times a week. I was getting to know the nurses. I went in for a lab and got the nurse that had seen my last numbers and knew they were not good. BUT, the day before I had a PET scan, and it showed shockingly good results. Suddenly my treatment was working! Not just working but blowing cancer away. My abdomen was no longer full of disease. My spleen was normal! Much of my cancer was gone! I still have a ways to go and stem cell transplant will be no walk in the park. But now I am winning. I told my nurse the news. She was delighted to hear it and told me a story. She takes the bus to work every day. One day her driver asked her what she thought the role of attitude was in defeating cancer. I knew it was essential but was shocked at her answer. Keep in mind this is coming from a phlebotomist, not a social worker. She said 80%!! Wow! She told me that as soon as they see someone give up, they can see it in their lab numbers. They immediately decline, and the disease takes over. She said I stood out in the waiting room because of my smile and positive attitude. The jaunty hat is a powerful weapon. 80%!